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Beavis and Butt-Head on What's Cool and What Sucks

CY: Charles M. Young

BH: Butt-Head

B : Beavis

---

CY:

You're selling more posters than "Jurassic Park." You're getting all-time high ratings on MTV. What does your success say about the current culture of American teenagers?

BH:

Huh-huh, huh-huh.

B :

He said "suck." Huh-huh, huh-huh.

BH:

Huh-huh. Uh...could you repeat the question?

CY:

What I'm getting at is, there's a whole new group of kids in junior high now, and your success -

BH:

Huh-huh. He said it again.

B :

Yeah. Huh-huh, huh-huh.

CY:

Let me put it another way. Just this morning I watched a psychologist on TV talk about the horrible effect that heavy metal has on kids. Do you ever consider the influence you're having on today's youth?

BH:

Uh...uh...well, I like to burn stuff, but that doesn't mean -

B :

I like it when stuff blows up and knocks people over. Huh-huh.

BH: [Smacks Beavis on the head]

Shut up, Beavis. I was saying something. Huh-huh. Uh...what was I saying?

CY:

Your influence on today's youth.

BH:

What's today?

CY:

Tuesday.

BH:

Oh, yeah. What was I saying?

CY:

Your effect on young people. You said you liked to burn stuff.

BH:

Whoa! You must have one of those pornographic memories! Huh-huh. Uh...I like to burn stuff, but that doesn't mean *you* have to. Huh-huh, huh-huh. It would be cool if you did, though.

B :

Yeah. Huh-huh. Fire! Fire! Fire!

CY:

So what's the coolest thing you've ever burned?

BH:

Uh...Beavis's eyebrows. Huh-huh.

B :

Yeah, that was pretty cool. Huh-huh. It smelled cool, too.

CY:

Why was that so cool?

BH:

It was, like, unexpectant? We were torching a June bug with a can of Lysol and a lighter, and it ended up burning Beavis's face. Huh-huh, huh-huh. It was like a bonus.

B :

Huh-huh. I burned my bonus.

CY:

Well, let me ask you this: Do you guys find anything funny that isn't scatological?

BH:

Uh...sure. Lots of stuff. Like, uh, butts are funny.

CY:

Anything besides butts?

B :

Farts are funny. Because they come out of your butt. Huh-huh.

BH:

Did you know any time anyone is born, they come out right next to a butt? Huh-huh.

B :

Yeah. Even the president of the Unites States.

CY:

So what's your point?

BH:

Well, uh...that's pretty cool. Huh-huh, huh-huh.

CY:

What do you think of the disclaimer MTV sometimes runs before your show?

BH:

It's cool.

CY:

Do you know what I'm talking about?

BH:

Uh...no. Huh-huh.

CY:

Those words MTV runs before the show warning people about you.

B :

Words suck.

BH:

Yeah. If I wanted to read, I'd go to school.

B :

So, like, what do they say?

CY:

They say you're crude, self-destructive and anti-social, but for some reason you make them laugh.

BH:

Cool! Huh-huh.

B :

Yeah. MTV's cool.

CY:

Even though the censors in their standards department won't let you say certain words?

BH:

Yeah. MTV's cool - for a bunch of wussies. Huh-huh, huh-huh.

B :

We can say "ass wipe."

BH:

Not very often.

B :

We can say "asshole."

BH:

No we can't, Beavis.

B :

Are you calling me a liar?

BH:

No I'm calling you a waste of bum wipe.

B :

We can say "butthole." Butthole! Butthole! Butthole!

BH:

Shut up! MTV will fire you!

B :

Fire! Fire! Fire!

BH:

Settle down, Beavis!

CY:

You seem to watch a lot of TV. Do you think television depicts an accurate view of the world?

BH:

Uh...like, are you really with the Rolling Stones?

CY:

I'm with "Rolling Stone," the magazine.

BH:

So, uh, do you get lots of chicks?

B :

Hey, Butt-Head, when chicks find out we know someone with the Stones, we'll get some helmet. Huh-huh, huh-huh.

CY:

I'm with the magazine "Rolling Stone." I'm a writer, not a musician.

B :

Wuss.

BH:

So you don't get any chicks?

CY:

Not like Mick Jagger.

B :

Mick Jagger's not a chick.

BH:

He didn't say he was a chick, Beavis. He said he doesn't *get* chicks.

B :

He said he doesn't get chicks like Mick Jagger.

BH:

That's right. Not like Mick Jagger.

B :

But Mick Jagger's not a chick.

BH:

Don't make me kick your ass again, Beavis.

B :

You know who looks like a chick? Huh-huh. Vince Neil.

BH:

Yeah. Huh-huh. And Dave Mustaine.

B :

Yeah. That's why he wears glasses. So he doesn't look too much like a girl. Huh-huh, huh-huh.

CY:

What do glasses have to do with masculinity?

BH:

You know what you should do to, like, get chicks? Since you're a wuss? Huh-huh, huh-huh.

CY:

What?

BH:

You should get some binoculars and stand outside this apartment building we know and look in the windows. Huh-huh.

CY:

How would that help me get chicks?

BH:

Sometimes you can see 'em naked. Huh-hu, huh-huh.

B :

Yeah. Huh-huh. Or you could go to Bible camp and hug chicks when they find Jesus.

BH:

That would be cool. Huh-huh. "Give us this day our morning wood." Huh-huh, huh-huh.

CY:

What kind of music do you like?

BH:

Uh...uh...all different kinds.

B :

Yeah. Like *loud* music.

BH:

Yeah. And music that *rocks*! Huh-huh.

B :

Music that kicks *ass*! Huh-huh. And fire music! Fire! Fire!

CY:

What's fire music?

B :

Oh, sorry, I was thinking about videos.

BH:

I also like music that's about stuff. Huh-huh.

B :

Yeah. Like that rap song about that guy who likes big butts.

BH:

Yeah. That one speaks to me. Huh-huh, huh-huh.

CY:

The rumor is, you guys have the same father.

BH:

Uh...we're not sure. It's possible. Huh-huh.

B :

Yeah. Huh-huh. He used to come around a lot.

CY:

Are the two of you friends with anyone besides each other?

B :

We're not friends.

BH:

Beavis has a special friend. Huh-huh.

B :

Yeah. Huh-huh.

BH:

Sometimes he shakes hands with Little Beavis.

B :

Yeah. [Pathetic attempt at Pakistani accent] "Hello, Meester Monkey." Huh-huh, huh-huh.

BH:

Huh-huh. That was cool.

CY:

Well, you two sound pretty friendly.

BH:

We just do lots of stuff together. Huh-huh.

B :

Just cool stuff.

BH:

Yeah. I like stuff that's cool.

CY:

Well, there must be a lot of cool stuff to do, because as far as I can tell, you two spend every moment of your life together.

BH:

That's 'cause Beavis follows me around.

B :

*You* follow *me* around.

BH:

Only when I'm gonna kick your ass.

B :

When you're gonna *lick* my ass?

BH:

Shut up, booger wipe!

B :

Peckerwood!

CY:

Hey, break it up! Butt-Head, I have a question for you. I noticed that you often say, "I like stuff that's cool." But isn't that circular logic? I mean, what is the definition of "cool," other than an adjective denoting something the speaker likes?

BH:

Huh-huh. Uh, did you, like, go to college?

CY:

You don't have to go to college to know the definition of "redundant." What I'm saying is that essentially what you're saying is "I like stuff that I like."

B :

Yeah. Huh-huh. Me, too.

BH:

Also, I don't like stuff that sucks, either.

CY:

But nobody likes stuff that sucks!

BH:

Then why does so much stuff suck?

B :

Yeah. College boy! Huh-huh, huh-huh.

BH:

Huh-huh, huh-huh. Uh, I have a question for you.

CY:

Go ahead.

BH:

Pull my finger.

CY:

That's not a question.

BH:

Huh-huh. Uh...would you please pull my finger?

CY:

Oh, all right.

[Butt-Head farts loudly.]

BH:

Huh-huh, huh-huh. That's cool.

B :

I taught him that joke. Huh-huh.

BH:

I taught *you* that joke, bunghole!

B :

But I taught you the part about where you fart.

BH:

Oh, right, you did. Huh-huh, huh-huh. That's my favorite part.

CY:

I have just a couple more things I'd like to cover.

BH:

Huh-huh. He said "things."

B :

He said "couple." Huh-huh, huh-huh.

CY:

When I was your age, the big event that formed the values of my entire generation was the Vietnam War.

BH:

Yeah. Huh-huh. Rambo was cool!

CY:

So I was wondering if there was some similar experience, some unifying event, that has affected your life.

BH:

Uh...well, once we bought this bullwhip at Stucky's? And we went around looking for stuff to whip. But like we couldn't find anything. No frogs or lizards or nothing.

B :

We tried a bag of charcoal, but it wasn't alive.

BH:

We found this big old grasshopper in the middle of the road. It was really big. It was like a freak grasshopper. Huh-huh. We whipped it and whipped it.

B :

Yeah, yeah. And then I kicked it. Huh-huh.

BH:

We slapped it around like a red-headed stepchild. Huh-huh, huh-huh. And then it looked like it was dead 'cause it hadn't moved in like an hour? And then all of a sudden these little white worms started crawling out of its butt, one by one. Huh-huh, huh-huh.

B :

Yeah. They looked like long-grain rice. It's like they were trapped inside this grasshopper, and we came along and set 'em free.

BH:

Huh-huh. Uh...they crawled out of its *butt*!

CY:

You're comparing the Vietnam War to worms crawling out of a grasshopper's butt? How could that affect your life?

BH:

Well, uh...if that hadn't happened, we would have had to, like, do something else.

CY:

Well, I suppose it's pointless to ask this, but-

BH:

Huh-huh. You said "butt."

CY:

What advice do you have for America's youth?

B :

Uh...sometimes at the arcade? If you rub your feet on the ground and touch the coin slot, it makes a spark and you get a free game. Huh-huh.

BH:

Huh-huh. Uh...I got one. Like if you go to school and, like, study and stuff? And grow up and get a job at a company and, like, get promoted? You have to go there and do stuff that sucks for the rest of your life.

B :

Yeah. You'll be trapped, just like those worms in that grasshopper's butt. Huh-huh, huh-huh. And then people will whip you, and you'll come crawling out and -

BH:

Shut up, Beavis! Huh-huh. But what I was saying is, if you act like us and just do stuff that's cool? Like sit around and watch TV and burn stuff?

B :

And choke your chicken. Huh-huh-huh.

BH:

Yeah. Huh-huh. And choke your chicken. Then, ROLLING STONE magazine will come and kiss your butt!

CY:

Huh-huh. You said "come."

B :

Yeah. Huh-huh, huh-huh.

Beavis & Butt-Head:

Huh-huh, huh-huh. Huh-huh, huh-huh. Huh-huh, huh-huh. Huh-huh, huh-huh.

BH:

That was cool!